One word. Don’t. Don’t even think of it.  Do yourself a favor.

For housemates to live together comfortably, it is good to impose a complete and utter taboo on sex with each other. Otherwise things go wonky.  The emotions that get stirred up are deep and painful. One person’s fling is another person’s crush and what do you say to each other a week later? Inevitably one of the housemates moves out but probably not without some stormy and painful experiences. So if you want to keep your home a comfortable place to be, do not get sexually involved with a housemate.

Yes, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. It might happen that two people who get to know each other in the daily rhythms find themselves falling in love. I heartily suggest a long conversation about what this means to you and how you will manage it before falling into bed. And if you can’t have a heart-to-heart real conversation about life and love, then you don’t have the communication to manage the changed relationship.  You would no longer be just housemates. If you are going to have a love affair,  one of you should move out first, then see if the relationship works.

I’m guessing that the happily-ever-after scenario is rare. Far more common is the casual sex scenario that leads to trouble. With a firm taboo in place, a housemate relationship with the other gender can be wonderful—kind of like a brother or a sister.

Sometimes I find myself grumbling about mess in the house, something along the lines of “Why doesn’t he EVER clean up after himself?”  Years of experience have taught me to look again. Oh, I say to myself, “That’s mine and that’s mine and that’s mine..” It is a very natural human tendency to look at what others are doing and assign blame before examining ourselves and our role in contributing to the situation we don’t like. It’s the “pot calling the kettle black” or the interesting question, “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye but fail to see the beam in your own eye?”

So when you are upset by a messy housemate, the first thing you need to do is consider whether you have contributed to the situation. For instance, are you upset about the dirty dishes left in the sink today but last week you left dishes for two days? Did you neglect to do your chore but now you are irritated that your housemate hasn’t done hers? How have you contributed to your housemates neglect?

If you can in all honesty say that your slate is clean and the housemate’s behavior really is a problem, you need to have a conversation.  It’s possible that housemate has no idea that you are upset. Really. There’s no need to get mad or have a fight. A simple matter-of-fact conversation setting some guidelines for mess should take care of it. Try to be specific about what bothers you. Work together on an agreement that can help you move forward. If your housemate has specific requests of you, you too can adjust your behavior.

All the above assumes that you have a basic agreement about the cleanliness of your home. You made this agreement in the interview process, right? In that interview you talked about your attitudes and expectations for the cleanliness of your home. Your standards were similar enough that you chose to live together. If you didn’t talk about cleanliness then, you may have a harder time talking about it now because no standards were set and no expectations established. If your housemate has standards really different from your own, and you are each unwilling to adapt to the the other a bit, you may not be able to live together.

Sharing housing is a cooperative arrangement for the mutual benefit of everyone living in the house.

Do you have a story about living with messy housemates? How did you handle it?

The kitchen is the most used common room in a home. When there are housemates, the kitchen is often the place for casual conversation, laughter, and sharing.  It can also be a source of irritation and anger when members of a household don’t have the same standards of cleanliness and/or guidelines are not followed.

It happened to me, once. Early in my housesharing experience, a house meeting was called. Turned out I was the culprit – everyone else but me aware that I wasn’t doing my part in keeping the kitchen clean. I tell you I was shocked! Really I had no idea.

I’m sure there are many different household rules that have been created to manage this. Here are two:

1) The kitchen should always look as if no one has been there.

2) Clean your own dishes and one more.

What other ones are out there? Do you have one that works for you?

For four years I had a housemate who was an incredible slob in his room.  There was stuff all over the floor with barely a path to his bedroom. Did I ever say anything to him about that? No! That was his room to do with as he pleased.  He was perfectly neat in the kitchen and other common rooms in the house.

The room that belongs to one person, that they pay rent for, is their own space. Everyone has a right to being left alone in their own space, assuming that their habits don’t make a problem outside of the room.

Housemate Heaven is a website that presents 16 “lifestyle types”. The reader is asked to pick the type that best describes themselves.  The 16 types are based on four basic categories: how personal property is shared, cleanliness of the house, the level of sociability between housemates and the attitude towards guests.  It’s an attempt to help individuals think about who they are and what they are looking for in a housesharing arrangement.