Moving is an effort. From locating a new place to live to informing the bank of the change of address, there are tons of details that cost time and energy. And also money. No wonder people don’t like to do it. No wonder housemates suffer a bad situation way too long!

It’s time to move when you don’t want to go home.  For the householder, this is the time to ask a housemate to leave. They are probably as unhappy as you are. Use the experience to learn what you “must have” and “can’t live with.”

Since you don’t want move too often, you should be very, very careful in choosing a place to live and your future housemate(s).  Interview thoroughly. (See other advice on this blog.)  Know what you are looking for. If you are the householder, deal with having an empty room for awhile if you can’t find the right person. If you are a home seeker, don’t get desperate.  That’s hard and okay, there are regions in this country where housing is so scarce that feeling desperate is a common experience.  If you can’t bide your time and really need a roof, take a place, but recognize that it is temporary until you can find something better. And be sure not to collect lots of stuff that you then have to cart to a new place.

Sometimes I find myself grumbling about mess in the house, something along the lines of “Why doesn’t he EVER clean up after himself?”  Years of experience have taught me to look again. Oh, I say to myself, “That’s mine and that’s mine and that’s mine..” It is a very natural human tendency to look at what others are doing and assign blame before examining ourselves and our role in contributing to the situation we don’t like. It’s the “pot calling the kettle black” or the interesting question, “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye but fail to see the beam in your own eye?”

So when you are upset by a messy housemate, the first thing you need to do is consider whether you have contributed to the situation. For instance, are you upset about the dirty dishes left in the sink today but last week you left dishes for two days? Did you neglect to do your chore but now you are irritated that your housemate hasn’t done hers? How have you contributed to your housemates neglect?

If you can in all honesty say that your slate is clean and the housemate’s behavior really is a problem, you need to have a conversation.  It’s possible that housemate has no idea that you are upset. Really. There’s no need to get mad or have a fight. A simple matter-of-fact conversation setting some guidelines for mess should take care of it. Try to be specific about what bothers you. Work together on an agreement that can help you move forward. If your housemate has specific requests of you, you too can adjust your behavior.

All the above assumes that you have a basic agreement about the cleanliness of your home. You made this agreement in the interview process, right? In that interview you talked about your attitudes and expectations for the cleanliness of your home. Your standards were similar enough that you chose to live together. If you didn’t talk about cleanliness then, you may have a harder time talking about it now because no standards were set and no expectations established. If your housemate has standards really different from your own, and you are each unwilling to adapt to the the other a bit, you may not be able to live together.

Sharing housing is a cooperative arrangement for the mutual benefit of everyone living in the house.

Do you have a story about living with messy housemates? How did you handle it?

I’ve just read an article on Helium about nightmare housemates. It’s enough to make one think that sharing housing is a bad idea.  It isn’t. There are plenty of wonderful people out there who are great housemates.

What makes a housemate a nightmare? Self-centeredness. Plain and simple. The nightmare housemate breaks agreements and/or refuses to modify their behavior when something becomes an issue.

You avoid having nightmare housemates by knowing what you want and carefully interviewing. Once you’ve decided that the interviewee is a potential housemate you must check references and employment.  True, the potential housemate will only send you to people who are going to recommend them, nonetheless the  reference doesn’t know what you are looking for.  You can find out quite a lot about a person from references. Ask for two. And then talk to them. Engage in a long conversation. Find out how they know the person, how long,  whether they’ve ever lived with them, and if they have what that experience was like. Ask for specific stories. Find out how often the person has moved.  All you have to do for checking employment is to call the organization main number and ask, “Does [housemate name] work in your organization?”

Also it is essential that the person moving in pays the first month, last month AND security deposit.  Don’t waver on this!  If your future housemate tries to wheedle with you about any of this take it as a warning about how they will behave when they move in.  That extra money is your security about their ability to pay bills and take care of the place.

Some people like to have agreements in writing – the better to ensure that everyone understands the expectations of the arrangement. If you do sit down and make an agreement – do it between the interview and when the person moves in. Don’t have the person move in and then work out a living together agreement. If the person can’t make time to do this, then don’t have them move in.

Most importantly, don’t get desparate for a housemate.  The worst mistake I’ve ever made was when I was desparate.  It didn’t last long, I kicked her and her boyfriend out within 6 weeks – but it wasn’t  fun for the  two weeks the situation developed. It’s really awful, in fact nightmarish, to have someone in your home with whom you are uncomfortable, unhappy, or angry. The best defence against nightmare housemates is to choose carefully.  It is possible.

Your goal in the initial phone call is to determine if there is enough of a match to spend time showing and looking at the space.

You should have a clear idea of what you MUST have in a housemate and living situation. What you must have is very different from what you would like to have.  In the phone conversation you can find out if the “must haves” are met by the space. If not, there is no reason to continue the conversation.

Some examples of “Must Haves” might be space for pets or no pets, space for visiting offspring, or other important people in your life, bathroom access, or convenient public transportation. For years, I had a must have of “no TV”.  That made it much easier to find suitable housemates.

The point here is that your “Must Haves” can simplify the time you spend looking for a housemate.

To thine own self be true

The absolute most important part of finding housemates that you want to keep is being really, really honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you can and want to live with.

This is NOT the time to wish you were different. Do not believe you can make someone else different. If you don’t like alcohol, don’t live with someone who has a drink every night. If you like to have a kitchen that is immaculate, don’t move into a house with a kitchen that makes you uncomfortable. If you really like playing music all the time, don’t choose to live with someone who says that they like quiet.

This may all seems obvious. Don’t let yourself slip because you like the person, the location is perfect for you, or the price is right. Since looking for housing can feel scary and be anxiety producing, it’s easy to fall into hoping and ignoring the warning signals. Don’t do it.

Do know the difference between what you MUST have in a living space and what you would like to have.

See future posts on the difference.