Your housemate works in air conditioning and drives in an air-conditioned car. When he comes home he finds the house unbearably hot.  You work outside in the hot sun and love to have the windows open. So what if the house is 80 degrees – it’s summer!

Ooops! You have a disagreement.  What do you do? This depends on how strongly each feels about their position. You need to communicate so that you can find a compromise.

Here is a formula for resolving housemate issues.

• Find a time to talk face to face.*
• State your issue – just the facts.  “When I come home from work the house feels hot to me.”
• Add why it is a concern for you. “and I’m uncomfortable.”
• Ask: “How do you see this issue?” Give the person a chance to respond with their view.
• Paraphrase what that person has said. ” So what you are saying is __________.”
• Ask: “What would be a good compromise that satisfies both of us?”

By the time you have gone through the first two steps—airing of differences and paraphrasing to clarify understanding— it should be easy to find a compromise. Make sure you build the compromise together, this will improve the chances that each of you will follow through on it.

Take these steps to cool down the temperature on any housemate issue.

* Texting and email can make conflicts worse! Don’t use them to air a grievance.

One word. Don’t. Don’t even think of it.  Do yourself a favor.

For housemates to live together comfortably, it is good to impose a complete and utter taboo on sex with each other. Otherwise things go wonky.  The emotions that get stirred up are deep and painful. One person’s fling is another person’s crush and what do you say to each other a week later? Inevitably one of the housemates moves out but probably not without some stormy and painful experiences. So if you want to keep your home a comfortable place to be, do not get sexually involved with a housemate.

Yes, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. It might happen that two people who get to know each other in the daily rhythms find themselves falling in love. I heartily suggest a long conversation about what this means to you and how you will manage it before falling into bed. And if you can’t have a heart-to-heart real conversation about life and love, then you don’t have the communication to manage the changed relationship.  You would no longer be just housemates. If you are going to have a love affair,  one of you should move out first, then see if the relationship works.

I’m guessing that the happily-ever-after scenario is rare. Far more common is the casual sex scenario that leads to trouble. With a firm taboo in place, a housemate relationship with the other gender can be wonderful—kind of like a brother or a sister.

The title comes from Sharon Aystk’s excellent posting on her experience of having her in-laws live with her and her thoughtful discussion of the benefits of multi-generational households. Go and read it. Also read the comments.

What’s amazing to me is the strong negativity of some of the comments.  It shows me how difficult it is for some people to consider altering their lives to make space, literally and emotionally, for their relatives. Of course, every family is different and no one on the outside can have the insiders’ experience of their family, but it seems sad to me. Our families should be a source of love both given and received.

Sponsored by Griffith University Welfare and Student Liason Office (in Australia), a series of videos teaches about how to share housing. The series is specifically designed for university students in Australia. The first two in the series describe the pitfalls and illegal scams that trip up inexperienced young people. It does this through the stories of three university students who meet by accident and then decide to live together. While the legal details described are specific to the area, the types of scams are universal.

The third video shows them living together. Some tensions in their daily interaction are showing up and they sit down to make agreements to resolve the issues. This video describes the key areas of agreement housemates should have to live together well. Uni housemates get agreement

However,  the agreements they need to make: cleaning duties, bills, and managing food are all things that should have been talked about during the interview process!

What do you consider normal behavior in your home?  Is leaving the television on in every room simply the way you are used to living? Or is the opposite the case, where there are no media on in common rooms? Is dinner time at 5:30 or at 8? Does it matter? In the morning, is “normal” being perky and ready to chat, or is morning a time to silently come to terms with the day? Is “clean” a kitchen floor that you can eat off of or a general description of not having dirty dishes in the sink?

“Normal” is quite different for different people. Our assumptions about  “normal” begin with the families in which we were raised.  Many times these assumptions are unconscious. If we live alone and never with other people, we can go through an entire life living in our own “normal” ways without thinking anything of it. It is when we start living with others, people who grew up in different families, with their own idea of “normal,” that our assumptions bump into their assumptions. This can be uncomfortable.

This need not become a serious conflict, but rather may simply be a discomfort, a bump, a hitch, or something that happens where we can’t be on automatic pilot anymore.  So then you get to figure out whether your assumptions are part of your conditioning or part of who you really are.  This is a process of discernment. It is also part of your growth as an individual.  Shed what you don’t need, keep what is truly vital. Use the simulus from the discomfort to figure this out.

Communicate with your housemates. Compromise, accommodate, and adapt without giving up what is essential to you.

This is why it is so important that before you go to interview, think carefully about your daily routine and what you must have and what you can’t live with in a home sharing arrangement.  Think about what your “normal” is. See if you can get your assumptions of “normal” conscious,  so that you interview effectively and find a good house sharing arrangement for you.

Moving is an effort. From locating a new place to live to informing the bank of the change of address, there are tons of details that cost time and energy. And also money. No wonder people don’t like to do it. No wonder housemates suffer a bad situation way too long!

It’s time to move when you don’t want to go home.  For the householder, this is the time to ask a housemate to leave. They are probably as unhappy as you are. Use the experience to learn what you “must have” and “can’t live with.”

Since you don’t want move too often, you should be very, very careful in choosing a place to live and your future housemate(s).  Interview thoroughly. (See other advice on this blog.)  Know what you are looking for. If you are the householder, deal with having an empty room for awhile if you can’t find the right person. If you are a home seeker, don’t get desperate.  That’s hard and okay, there are regions in this country where housing is so scarce that feeling desperate is a common experience.  If you can’t bide your time and really need a roof, take a place, but recognize that it is temporary until you can find something better. And be sure not to collect lots of stuff that you then have to cart to a new place.

Years ago, I spent an expensive hour with a consultant who helped me list out all my requirements for a house.  As I left I was irritated. I thought I knew everything on the list! Why had I spent so much money?  Then I went house shopping. The list was extraordinarily helpful. No waffling for me!

The worksheets I’ve just uploaded (on a separate page) are designed to help you have the same experience. Spending time thinking about what you want and need in a housemate relationship helps.  Then write it down! It really, really helps!

Three of the four worksheets are for planning.  The fourth is to document reference checks.

Good luck and happy hunting!

A friend forwarded to me a link for an article in the Contra Coastal Times, reprinted in the Keene Sentinel, on Roommates: Finding the Right One Can Be Tricky. It starts with an absolutely awful story and is largely full of good advice, similar to advice found here on this blog.  The main point of the article is that when you interview, take your time, trust your gut, and don’t panic — even if it means having an empty room for a month or two.

I have one quibble with this.  A quote from an expert advises that housemates should live with people who are like themselves, “birds of the feather flock together” and continues specifically stating that hippies shouldn’t live with preppies.  I agree that this would be true for young adults in college. However, I believe that older people with careers and experience can live together comfortably even if they are very different — as long as they have an shared agreement about how to live under the same roof.

Like other articles on the subject, this one  includes  a quick summary of tips for the reader.  My book is a good deal more thorough.

A note of warning.  Though this blog is dedicated to the idea that there is a good housemate for every person and that sharing housing is a great idea, there are people who are not good housemates. Those housemates I call “nightmare” housemates, because their behavior can make home far from the haven it should be.  This is why it is so very, very important to interview carefully and check references. It is why it is important to be clear during interviewing about your expectations of sharing a home.

Nightmare housemates are those who is unable to live cooperatively with others. They don’t acknowledge that their behavior affects others and are impervious to requests for changed behavior. There are different ways of being a nightmare housemate.

Assuming/insisting I have more rights than you

It is the householder that most easily falls into this trap.  After all it is their space before you came along. However, once the conditions of your living together have been established in the interviewing phase, changing the conditions “because it is my house” is a great way to alienate a housemate. A more subtle (true) example comes from the interviews I did for my book.  The rental for the apartment came with one parking space.  While the householder had a car, her housemate didn’t.  Though they split the rent evenly, the householder felt that  that the space was “hers” and would demand that the housemate’s boyfriend move his car when she came home after he had parked in it for an evening.

Refusing to modify behavior

To live cooperatively, you have to be willing to make minor adaptations in your behavior.  Whether it is remembering to turn off the porch light or discarding your leftovers before they turn moldy, those requests made by housemates are to be considered. One nightmare housemate, rather than responding simply to requests, she launched into long-winded explanations for why she did what she did, as if the explanation would justify the behavior and she would ignore the request.  Good housemates are able to make minor adjustments for the comfort of their housemate.

Not following through on requests/promises

No one likes to nag.  No one likes to have to repeat requests, and by the way, the receiver doesn’t like it either. Actions speak louder than words. If a housemate has made a request and you have agreed to it, do it.  If there is a chore list that is part of the conditions of living in that household, do your chores.  Pay your bills on time.

Are there other ways in which individuals can be nightmare housemates? Maybe, but I think that this pretty much covers it. In sum, the nightmare housemate is a self-centered person. Avoid them.

Not everyone is self-centered.  You can find a good housemate for you.

Where do young adults live?   Last week, the Pew Research  issued a report , “The Return of the Multi-Generational Family Household,” drawing on an earlier study of December 2009.  One in eight Americans between the ages of 22-29 reported moving in with their parents as a result of the recession. Pew calls this the “Boomerang Effect.”

There’s another variation on the theme. Young adults living with relatives or family friends.

As our correspondent (names are deleted by request)  reports, “When my husband’s aunt died in June, her youngest daughter was left without a home. Since she works in the area and does not make enough money to live alone (go figure!), we invited her to live with us. She is an excellent housemate and we love her to boot!”  They have a large house and are able to give her the basement area with a full bath to be her own. “She will eat dinner with us on occasion, hang out, play games, etc., but when she says she is ‘descending’ we know that she is not up for lots of company.”  Our correspondent continues,  “My sister is also hosting a ‘housemate’ of sorts — the daughter of our cousin. She does not pay rent — she has a lot of student loans to pay off and my sister and her husband want to help her, but can’t afford to give her money. They helped her find a job and hey, free rent! The house is not huge, but they all have their own bedroom.”

As I was doing research for my book, I found a shared housing arrangement between a godmother and goddaughter. They are both delighted with the arrangement. In my own family, my sister has our nephew as a housemate.

I wonder how many other housemate arrangements there are where the extended family: cousins, aunts, and uncles and close family friends are opening their houses to help out in this difficult time?