Moving is an effort. From locating a new place to live to informing the bank of the change of address, there are tons of details that cost time and energy. And also money. No wonder people don’t like to do it. No wonder housemates suffer a bad situation way too long!

It’s time to move when you don’t want to go home.  For the householder, this is the time to ask a housemate to leave. They are probably as unhappy as you are. Use the experience to learn what you “must have” and “can’t live with.”

Since you don’t want move too often, you should be very, very careful in choosing a place to live and your future housemate(s).  Interview thoroughly. (See other advice on this blog.)  Know what you are looking for. If you are the householder, deal with having an empty room for awhile if you can’t find the right person. If you are a home seeker, don’t get desperate.  That’s hard and okay, there are regions in this country where housing is so scarce that feeling desperate is a common experience.  If you can’t bide your time and really need a roof, take a place, but recognize that it is temporary until you can find something better. And be sure not to collect lots of stuff that you then have to cart to a new place.

For four years I had a housemate who was an incredible slob in his room.  There was stuff all over the floor with barely a path to his bedroom. Did I ever say anything to him about that? No! That was his room to do with as he pleased.  He was perfectly neat in the kitchen and other common rooms in the house.

The room that belongs to one person, that they pay rent for, is their own space. Everyone has a right to being left alone in their own space, assuming that their habits don’t make a problem outside of the room.

There are house sharing arrangements in which sharing food is part of the package. One person shops, cooks, and/or cleans in exchange for rent.

However, for most other sharing housing arrangements, it is worth thinking carefully about whether or not you should try to share food. My bias is that each person should have their own food.  By not sharing food, one potential source for conflict is removed. It’s a simple as that. No negotiations about shopping, money, who’s cooking, who’s cleaning and what time meals will be. No requirement to be home at a certain time or to inform of plans to be out of the house. I know that this doesn’t sound friendly – but it can be. There’s no reason resources can’t be pooled together if housemates are home together at meal time.

Housemate Heaven is a website that presents 16 “lifestyle types”. The reader is asked to pick the type that best describes themselves.  The 16 types are based on four basic categories: how personal property is shared, cleanliness of the house, the level of sociability between housemates and the attitude towards guests.  It’s an attempt to help individuals think about who they are and what they are looking for in a housesharing arrangement.

I’ve just read an article on Helium about nightmare housemates. It’s enough to make one think that sharing housing is a bad idea.  It isn’t. There are plenty of wonderful people out there who are great housemates.

What makes a housemate a nightmare? Self-centeredness. Plain and simple. The nightmare housemate breaks agreements and/or refuses to modify their behavior when something becomes an issue.

You avoid having nightmare housemates by knowing what you want and carefully interviewing. Once you’ve decided that the interviewee is a potential housemate you must check references and employment.  True, the potential housemate will only send you to people who are going to recommend them, nonetheless the  reference doesn’t know what you are looking for.  You can find out quite a lot about a person from references. Ask for two. And then talk to them. Engage in a long conversation. Find out how they know the person, how long,  whether they’ve ever lived with them, and if they have what that experience was like. Ask for specific stories. Find out how often the person has moved.  All you have to do for checking employment is to call the organization main number and ask, “Does [housemate name] work in your organization?”

Also it is essential that the person moving in pays the first month, last month AND security deposit.  Don’t waver on this!  If your future housemate tries to wheedle with you about any of this take it as a warning about how they will behave when they move in.  That extra money is your security about their ability to pay bills and take care of the place.

Some people like to have agreements in writing – the better to ensure that everyone understands the expectations of the arrangement. If you do sit down and make an agreement – do it between the interview and when the person moves in. Don’t have the person move in and then work out a living together agreement. If the person can’t make time to do this, then don’t have them move in.

Most importantly, don’t get desparate for a housemate.  The worst mistake I’ve ever made was when I was desparate.  It didn’t last long, I kicked her and her boyfriend out within 6 weeks – but it wasn’t  fun for the  two weeks the situation developed. It’s really awful, in fact nightmarish, to have someone in your home with whom you are uncomfortable, unhappy, or angry. The best defence against nightmare housemates is to choose carefully.  It is possible.

Here is some excellent advice. It’s good anytime you are sharing housing whether as a resident or as a house guest.

I read them on a tile in a wonderful house in Western Massachusetts. I gather from a little Web exploration that there are other versions. This one seems very good to me.

If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you borrow it, return it.
If you don’t know how to use it, leave it alone.
If you break it, fix it.
If you can’t fix it, report it.
If you make a mess, clean it up.
If you move it, put it back.
If it doesn’t concern you, keep it that way.

One of the first hurdles in deciding to share the home you live in is figuring out what to charge your future housemates.

Renting

When you are all renting the space, this is somewhat easy as generally people simply divide the rent by the number of persons. Occasionally a room will be significantly better or worse than the others – in that case it usually works to adjust the rent to match the benefits or constraints that the room has for the renter.

Owner

More difficult is figuring out the what to charge when you own the home. Your costs include property tax, maintenance as well as the mortgage. In this case, you are best researching your local market. Find out what the going rate is in your area. Be realistic about what your house offers someone else. In setting a cost, don’t get greedy. Though it may be tempting to “see what you can get” remember that this person will be your housemate. You want them to feel comfortable. You also want them to feel that the rent is fair.  Even better if you can set it so that it is good for you and a really good deal for the future housemate(s). You will have more people interested in the space and  therefore more choice about who you invite to live with you.

The ad you write needs to have six types of information:

• Location
• Features of the room and house
• Something about who you are
• What you are looking for
• The financial informaton
• Contact information

The location is in the subject line or headline of a paper ad. The headline should also describe the basics. It is a house, apartment, and how many people there already.

The features should describe the attractive qualities of the room and the larger house/apartment. Is it sunny? Close to public transportation? Have an eat-in kitchen? An outdoor yard?

Describe the current occupants briefly, usually the sex and age range is sufficient. Include any animals. Describe how the house is used. Is is active with people coming and going? Or is it quiet? Do people have regular work schedules? Does anyone stay home all day?

Describe what you want in a house mate. This is an important piece of the ad, because it is here that you make it possible for the right person to go “oh that’s the right place for me.” Fair Housing law requires that you not advertise gender or age of what you are looking for, but you can certainly describe a quality you are looking for.

Then put in upfront what the cost is, the utilities arrangement and the deposits required. No point in talking to anyone who can’t meet those basics.

Contact info: Don’t put your name. Use an anonymous email account for the advertisement.  A phone number is fine, if you have caller ID.  You want it to be easy to ignore someone if you’ve decided that they aren’t right for you.

That’s it. Simple? Sort of. Try to be descriptive and interesting in short sentences. Good luck.

It never occurred to me that for some sharing a house is shameful. Honestly. It’s always made such good common-sense to share the costs of rent and utilities that pride never entered into it.

I gather that that isn’t the case for many Americans. But why? One reason is a culture that expects adults to be independent. It’s the model of the grown-up. Grown-ups either live with a spouse/partner/family or live alone. Another is the sense of “making it.” Supporting a home alone is the outward manifestation of earning power. Is that right?

NPR (National Public Radio) discusses the growth of home sharing arrangements in the US. This three-minute piece describes the Vermont HomeShare program and the success of two different arrangements.